Today, i started a new job. i had a good day, i had nothing to be nervous about. which i was very irrationally nervous. but the simple fact is, working in a bakery is a piece of cake. for the past ten years, i've been stuck in kitchens, digging my hands deep into your mouths and stomachs and hearts for my paycheck. i come home filthy dirty smelling like carcass and grease, nursing all my lil cuts and burns (nursing = just kinda pokin' and lookin' at it. listening for it to heal.). it's not that i don't like to sweat and bleed so i can feed people and never get a chance to eat until my bloodsugar is too low to realize that i'm still hungry...it's that i don't like it. huh? oh. yes. i don't like it. but this place is alright in my book, and here i am, smelling like the living and my shirt and pants are clean. A MIRACLE. but i'm not here to talk about my first day at a new job, i'm here to talk about sexuality and gender etiquette.
during my shift, i was pulled aside by a co-worker. "hey, i have a question for you." she says very casually, though she's about to make my brain cock to the side. "what's up?" i say not knowing i won't have a clue. she says "which pronouns do you use?"
which pronouns do i use? gee, i dunno....... ALL of them, depending on the situation?????
that's what i wanted to say, that's what thought instantly. what does she mean? what kind of question is that?? how was i supposed to answer it? (you're late again, heather. plate's in the microwave.) i say nothing and i furrow my brow just slightly and look at her as if to say "is this a trick question?"
"um, you know" she explains "like HE or SHE." and my eyes got real wide and i felt a bit of relief actually. i always seem to forget that i'm a girl who 'dresses like a boy.' and i also forget that i can be categorized, labeled, and placed into a lil box, or several boxes, because of it. and in this very open, progressive, young-minded environment, that employs people that live what some would call "alternative lifestyles," i should've seen that coming.
but i've never before been asked that specific question. so, i think i should clear some things up about my gender. you know, in case anyone ever asks again, i want to prepared with a better answer (preferably a one word answer.), but also have a reference for them, because for me, it's not a one word answer. two at least. this will be that.
when i joined the ever popular fanaticfaceplace website, i used a different name. i was using a male's first name and a goofy variation of my last name (which is goofy on its own). Hank Dankwater, if you recall. and sometimes people that hadn't seen me in a while would ask "are you going by hank now?" and i would tell them, no, i just didn't want to use my real name for a couple reasons. the important reason (at the time) being that i wasn't sure if i wanted to be easily located on DomeHome. the second sub-reason i chose a male name is cause...well....gee, i never really thought about it before. i thought it sounded funny, it made me chuckle. alter ego, a comic book character that lives in my head. i didn't mean to give anyone the wrong impression. and i didn't realize i'd be cornering myself into choosing what i want to be referred to as.
i've always just been. me. with no explanations. some of you might remember me from way back and know, from the getgo, i've always been what you'd call a tomboy. but in all honesty, if i had had my way as a little kid, i would've been what i thought i was. a boy. i mostly felt like one, wanted to grow up to be one. and i've always, always had a thing for the ladies. oh, the secret crushes had i. but on the gender tip, a doctor would call it gender dysphoria, but i didn't know that in the 80's 90's when i was a "tomboy." this is not to say that i didn't also recognize my femininity. although, not so strongly until i was a teenager, and those hormones kicked in a bit and hips started to appear. and no, no, i was certainly not a boy. boys bleed, but not like this. i began to embrace my feminine side. a little bit, kinda. dabbled in nail polish and pretty things. never bought a pair of women's pants, though.. i embraced it more on the inside. (lisa loeb, girl, i feel ya!) and on a side note, i never got a decent rack, and to be honest, i'm a bit glad about that. i used to be self conscious about that because, well, i am technically a girl. i should have a bodacious rack, right? wrong. i am so, so glad. for so many reasons we can get into later. of course if i had one, i might never leave the house. wink.
i am a lesbian. and that's fine, whatever, i date women, i guess i'm a lesbian. if that's what you want to call it. but i haven't ever felt completely comfortable with that term. i feel like, there's a really strong lesbian community. in the sense that there's also a really strong metal head community. and a really strong democratic community. and i'm not part of any of it. if i'm not part of the active club, i don't think it's necessary i wear the title. i'm registered as unaffiliated, i like metal just ok, and i hate going to gay/lesbian bars, or go to any events beside's Pride (cuz no matter who you fuckin' are, that's one of the best parties allllllll year!). that's the gayest thing i do, besides date women. i don't like the dynamic. i think the trends and the social roles within the lesbian community can be...trite. that's just my opinion, do whatever works for you and if it's resulting in positivity, then by all means, but i feel like it's one big lesbo commercial. i'm not into the lifestyle aspect of it. it's not a lifestyle, for me. liking women is not a lifestyle in and of itself. if i was listing self-descriptive words, lesbian wouldn't be in the top ten. maybe not even in the top fifty. but i am one, technically, in this culture. and i sure as hell look like one. it was a gradual process to reach the point of no return, but went i from
1997to
2010i look butch, i guess. but i'm not a butch lesbian. i can be very, very feminine in behavior and thought, of course, of course! and i like that about me. but i'm not a lipstick lesbian, oh no. Paul Bunyon and i go shirt shopping at the goodwill together. but it's not even about what i look like on the outside. to be fair, my taste in attire hasn't changed in almost 30 years. i dress instinctually. certainly not for fashion reasons. or to make a statement. that's what my smart mouth is for, heh. and it's not about what clubs i belong to. i don't feel comfortable in lesbian bars, or hanging out with large groups of lesbians. there's something in the air there that doesn't feel good in the lungs of my mind. i feel very separate from that thought. i just go about my business, like you. i'm drawn to what i'm drawn to. i don't question it, it's instinctual. i don't think of myself in terms of sexuality, gender. or should i say, i don't think of myself in terms of one or the other for either. i have strong feelings of both male and female roles in me. i can't deny either. i cannot simply pick and choose.
and i'm not interested in becoming technically transgendered. or transexual. at least, not as of yet. i enjoy so much that i'm a biological woman. i enjoy my ambiguity. my androgeny. and that i could potentially give birth. and be mistaken for the father.
my gender doesn't determine my sexuality. and my biological sex doesn't determine my gender. so. where am i going with this again?
oh yes. i strongly believe that
i. am. a. two spirited individual. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit_identity_theory and that's the best way i could put it. and when you're both and it isn't a problem for you, you could even call it "gender euphoria."
but all that aside, what people are considered, what groups or movements we "belong" to, man or woman, all of us are connected at very basic levels, and should treat each other with respect and care. and talk to each other, not at each other. speak to the soul, not the shape or the name of it. always, even if it's small talk. show some sincerity. some sign to say to the other "we're on this planet together, isn't that crazy, wicked, cool?"
heather, hank..... either way, i'm still the same person, and becoming more myself day in and day out. just like all of us. and you can call me anything you want (including late for dinner) as long as you do so with respect. and maybe we could all try to do this when communicating to anyone, but at least for my sake: remember that you're not talking to a man or a woman. you're talking to me.
It's funny, but I wonder if I wouldn't have taken a very different path in life if I hadn't been saddled with DD's and hips that get stuck in tight doorways. I used to have a lot of difficulty embracing my feminine side, and I think I used to reach out for some sort of "template" or "subculture" I could apply to myself to understand who I was.
ReplyDeleteI never really fit in, though, because when it comes right down to it, you have to love ALL of yourself, not just the bits that fit with your idea of what you're supposed to be like. I used to swear to myself I'd never be caught in skirts, or makeup, and that I was never going to date a DUDE cuz that would be WEIRD.
Except I look quite good in skirts. And sometimes, every one and a while, a little bit of makeup makes me feel good. And once I learned to look past physical appearances, I realized that I had formed much deeper bonds with many of my boyfriends than I ever did with my girlfriends (though that's another thing altogether). And I had to decide that that was okay. Gods, for the LONGEST time I would make a point of telling people, "I'm a lesbian who dates men" because I felt like I somehow needed to explain myself. Which is just silly.
It's refreshing to hear someone else talk a little bit of sense on the subject. It's important not to get caught up in labels or propriety, or you lose sight of the fact that people are actually individuals.